I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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