cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
