My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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