Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
