quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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