I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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