I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
