More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
