Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
