Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
