My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
