You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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