it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
