ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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