So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
