They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
