My hand turned me down
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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