So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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