I could have mohawked her pubes.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
