If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The Olympian is in my bed
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
