didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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