You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I stole a fireplace last night.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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