Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Your shirt... Was in my pants
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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