I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
