He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
