i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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