i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
