even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
