Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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