he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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