sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
