I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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