i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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