I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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