she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
