I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
