I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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