i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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