We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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