Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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