at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
