I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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