there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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