Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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