I looked at my own cervix.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
