I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
