I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
