Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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