Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
