So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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