Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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